The least among the lowly

I don't know what the I am is this week... but I wanted to share with you what the Lord taught me about who I am yesterday:

Brennan Manning writes, "The acceptance of oneself is the essence of the whole moral problem and the epitome of a whole outlook on life.That I feed the hungry, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy in the name of Christ - all these are undoubtedly great virtues. What I do unto the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ. But what if I should discover that the least amongst them all, the poorest of all the beggars, the most impudent of all the offenders, the very enemy himself - that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness - that I am the enemy who must be loved - what then?"

He goes on to say, "As a rule, the Christian's attitude is then reversed; there is no longer any question of love or long suffering; we say to the brother within us, "Raca" ["Worthless!"] and condemn and rage against ourselves. We hide it from the world; we refuse to admit ever having met this least among the lowly in ourselves."

I've read that probably 20-25 times, and I have never heard it like I did yesterday. I was so convicted by the reality of the self-hatred I fall into so easily. I would never look at another person and think, "Worthless!" and instantly hate them. And yet that is my attitude toward myself?! So backward, so wrong, so sinful.

Here was my realization: I am not the junk that I find in myself when I spend long enough in introspection. I am also not a person full of hatred towards others, nor should I be toward myself. I am, however, someone with a need for identity, truth, love, and full acceptance without a hint of rejection.

Brennan says that "Jesus discloses God's true feelings toward us. As we turn the pages of the Gospels, we discover that the people Jesus encounters there are you and me. The understanding and compassion he offers them, he also offers you and me."

And he concludes by saying that [my paraphrase] the longer I spend time in the presence of Jesus, the more accustomed I grow to his face, the less I will look elsewhere for identity and meaning because I will have discovered for myself that He is enough. And in that presence, I will delight in the discovery of what it means to live out of who I am really... who I am in Christ."

I live out of the truth of who I am really when I live in the presence of the I AM who created me, saved me, sustains me, and defines me. I am still learning who the person I am actually looks like... but I am at least learning how to have compassion for the self that I wish I wasn't, and I am trusting that's at least a step in the right direction!